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 desperately seeking advice

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PostSubject: desperately seeking advice    Tue Oct 04, 2011 2:39 pm

Ok, hi guys.
I know I’ve been pretty absent from these forums. And I feel I should explain why. I honestly haven’t been ignoring you guys!
Well, anyway, basically, I have started my 2nd year at University now, and its heavy going!
But, even more so than that, I’ve been going through a very tough break-up.
I mid-August (yes, a while a go now) my boyfriend of 1 year was beginning to seem distant from me. I told him about this, but said (in fact, I emphasised) that I didn’t blame him for this because I knew it was probably just with him being tired and working full time. But I just wanted to sort it before it was a problem - that was all. No big deal, right?
But after I told him, he basically blanked me for days. All I got was 1 word answers in text messages. “Ok”, “Bye”, “Whatever”, “Yes”, “No” etc. It really hurt, I had no idea what was going on his head.
So, I gave him an ultimatum: talk or I guess that’s it. I needed my boyfriend to communicate with me. It was obviously important to me. But this ultimatum pushed him away. He told me he didn’t expect it. He was going to talk to me in his own time, but me trying to force him confused him, pushed him away and made him question things. So I felt like shit, basically.
Anyway, by the end of August – he split up with me, telling me he couldn’t string me a long waiting for him to know what he wanted. He claimed breaking up with me was the hardest thing he’s ever done. He claimed he still cared about me.
But then, a couple of weeks of sobbing and being a depressed wreck later, just as I was beginning to pull myself together, I found out he had been texting my friend Lindsey telling her that he didn’t miss me, he’d pursue her if it wasn’t for me, and he jokily asked her to bed for cuddles. That cut through me like a knife! I couldn’t handle that not only did another woman make the man I loved happier than I did, but it was my friend. Now, I felt extra doubly shit about myself.
I put on a brave face , but to be honest, it’s like all my insecurities have come back to the fore, just as I was fighting a winning battle with them.
Anyway, just as I’ve come back to University, he has been visiting me here. Telling me he wants to start over. But atm, we’re just friends (although , I admit we’ve slept together again a couple of times. It just felt right to be back in each other’s arms I guess, I hope that doesn’t make me seem like a complete weak woman!) – I guess we need to build things back up from the beginning.
Anyway, I want some advice from you guys , because, this whole situation is a mess. The one thing it’s taught me is that my insecurity can be a bigger problem than I anticipated. I really want to deal with it. My boyfriend was a huge pillar of strength to me. I don’t know how to be confident single. Advice?
Thankyou so much guys!
A concise summary of my feelings is probably the following:
I'm that girl who forgives everyone who gets mad at me. I'm that girl who cares way too much about what people think of her. I'm that girl who fears being alone. I'm that girl who is scared of growing up. I'm that girl who acts like I'm tough when really, I feel like crying. I'm that girl who says yes to everything, because I hate disappointing people. I'm that girl who tries to be nice to everyone then gets taken advantage of. I'm that girl who doesn't care if it's a million dollars or a homemade card as long as you thought of me. I'm that girl who tries to express how she feels, but just can't find the words. I'm that girl who everyone thinks they know, but they don't.

^ I found this on Tiff’s Tumblr account … thanks hun! x
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PostSubject: Re: desperately seeking advice    Wed Oct 05, 2011 2:44 am

"He was going to talk to me in his own time" Sorry but no, this is just a no. You have to respect yourself first of all, and love yourself. It seems to me like he was looking for some random excuse to end up the relationship he had with you. If he truly values you, love you, why did he asked another girl to cuddle with him, your friend! No, no, no. Shame My opinion, don't go back to him. Look at what he did. Why don't you guys give some time apart from each other, as in not seeing him or something, to clear things up and make that what you guys really want is to be back with each other again. But have in mind that if you guys go back together, you might go back to the same thing, waiting for him to talk to you, whenever he has time to spare to you.

I love the quote you wrote at the end. ThankUSoMuch Heart
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PostSubject: Re: desperately seeking advice    Sat Oct 08, 2011 4:40 pm

Ok, I know I'm kinda late, but hopefully this will still be useful.

This is a hard one for me to pick sides on.

My fiance Ross and I broke up for about 2 weeks and got back together. While we were apart, I found out he had kissed a girl before he had broken it off with me. To make matters worse the girl turned out to be a girl he had been crushing on HARD for about year right before he got together with me. I was FURIOUS. Crying. Wanting to scream. The whole nine yards. Because he had given me this crap story that he wasn't sure what he wanted, he was scared, and he didn't know if he was ready for a serious relationship.

For two weeks I was angry at him, but I still talked to him but couldn't bring myself to HATE him for it.

After that two weeks, we finally saw each other for the first time since breaking up while hanging with mutual friends. I got the courage up and faced him and told him we needed to really talk.

That's when he came out and said he wanted me back and breaking it off with me was the worst mistake he's ever made. Told me he couldn't believe he questioned wanting to be with me when for the past two weeks he was miserable.

I told him that putting all of that aside I still needed the truth. I needed him to answer EVERY question I had about the entire situation. He agreed and we talked for about 2 hours. I then told him I needed time to think.

I went home and spent the rest of the night going over everything he said and everything I was feeling.

The main thing that I kept coming back to was not only if I could FORGIVE him, but also not hold it over his head for the rest of our relationship (whether that be weeks or the rest of our lives). I went over the change he brought out of me. Was I better with him or without him? Could I live with myself after going back to a man who lied and deceived me? Could I go against my long time beliefs of "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

And I finally came to realize that I could.

Him being completely honest with me and talking things through and being genuine with his apology and truly needing me in his life outweighed the fact that he kissed a girl and RIGHT after it happened he knew that it didn't mean anything to him.

Kissing her didn't even come close to the feeling he had when he just spent time with me.

I think the biggest thing to realize is that people do make mistakes and we do things we're not supposed to, but sometimes that opens up our eyes. Him kissing that other girl opened his eyes up to how he felt about about me and how he DIDN'T feel about her.

Should he have kissed her? No. Absolutely not.
But I can get over that fact because of everything else that happened AFTER that kiss.

Unfortunately, it's not easy. It takes a lot of serious consideration and thinking, but you DO need to sit down with him and talk EVERYTHING out, and then take some time to "sleep on it". Eventually you'll know what you feel in time.

The only bad thing is if he refuses to talk to you. And if he does that then he's not worth your time. That will just show you that he's not willing to make the effort that it takes to have a strong healthy relationship. And that's what you want, right?

I hope this helps you hun <3 I know you've been having a really hard time with this, and just know I'm here for you whenever you need ANYBODY to talk to. My email, inbox on here, tumblr, messengers etc...whatever, you can contact me and I'm here for you.




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PostSubject: Re: desperately seeking advice    Sat Oct 08, 2011 5:00 pm

Aww yeah I'm late too, didn't see your thread but basically the girls said it all and I'm kinda dumb with love advice but you know I love you Sarah <3 You can talk to me whenever you feel like doing it.
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